CONVERSATIONS ON AGING

by Roma Palmer

Beginning the conversations to plan for how to navigate the aging process can be difficult for both parents and adult children. Both groups can be unwilling to face the issues that will eventually come to pass. However, avoiding these conversations can be a missed opportunity to explore wishes for how the aging process will unfold. Being proactive is important with this process because it will often take several conversations to bring out different aspects of the aging issue that need to be covered. Hard decisions become much easier when the wishes of the individuals in question are known. This article will give some suggestions for how to begin the dialogue as well as some communication techniques to aid the discussions.

The aging process is one which all of us will face and yet causes much anxiety for families. Aside from the obvious emotions that arise over discussing the uncomfortable topics of illness and death, other concerns such as parent/child relationships, sibling relationships, questions about money and long term care become factors in this very complex matter. In addition to the issues involved, parents and adult children are at very different life stages and their priorities and value systems can differ greatly.

Discussions about aging take time. For children in mid-life, time is a scarce commodity. Demands of work, family and other activities fill their days and often these sensitive discussions are seen as another thing to cross off their ‘to do’ list. Adult children need to appreciate that their goal of getting through all this information efficiently may clash with their parents’ goal of trying to make sense of their life, accepting the inevitable losses at this stage of life and leaving a legacy. Often parents do not want to burden their children and children can reassure parents that by helping to gather this information they are assisting everyone in being prepared to make decisions in a way that the parents want.

Some of us have good relationships with our parents and we talk easily about a variety of topics. For others, conversations about certain topics are taboo and the thought of approaching such territory feels uncomfortable.

Parents may not want their children to know their affairs. Finding a middle ground that allows for privacy and yet still giving enough information to children to assist when needed is a delicate balance and may take some effort to achieve.

Some suggestions for opening up dialogue include discussing an article from the newspaper or magazine about the aging process or health care. Another idea is to discuss the experience of a friend or neighbour as an introduction to the conversation. A discussion around your choices when updating your documents is a possible invitation to find out about what a family member’s plans are. Seeking professional input from a spiritual advisor, lawyer, counsellor, or financial advisor may be helpful in encouraging dialogue about a person’s wishes in a less threatening manner than if a family member introduces the subject.

Sometimes a family meeting is the best way to enter into discussions. With everyone present, each person hears the information first-hand. If not everyone can be together, a conference call or email can be used. Beginning the discussions before an urgent need arises allows the family to address different topics in a less emotional way rather than just responding to each crisis as it happens.

Some guidelines to promote constructive conversations include choosing the timing of the discussion. Midlife children need to slow down and make the time to be fully present. Put aside your personal agenda and cell phone and plan for more than one discussion. Listen well. Pay attention to what is being said and what is unsaid. Try to adopt the other’s perspective to find a solution that suits everyone and allows each person to keep their dignity. Listen with curiosity and avoid interrupting. Show respect for everyone involved. Do not be bossy or dismissive. Try not to force an issue. Expect multiple perspectives. Appreciate the impact of the past on the present. Support parents in creating their legacy. Take an interest and be involved in reviewing their history. Don’t forget to take breaks. Take time away from pressing issues to recharge and to let things unfold as they may, then try again to approach the subject with a fresh perspective. Whether parent or child, both are adults and expect to be treated as such. To help avoid power struggles, make time regularly to spend with each other, siblings or parents, to listen to their stories. If conflicts erupt, whether between parents and children or among siblings, if you have taken the time to build a relationship beforehand, disagreements are much more easily resolved. However, if conflict persists, it is useful to engage a professional to help diffuse the situation before an impasse results.

Not attending to this very real part of our lives can have lasting effects for both parents and children.

Culturally we do not like to discuss or even think about this topic. However, how many of us have not spent some time worrying or planning in our heads about how we would like our life and death to unfold? Speaking the words is scary: it makes the inevitable more ‘real’ somehow. But like doing anything for the first time, these conversations get easier with practice. This is not one conversation to get everything organized but a dialogue that, preferably, will begin long before any inciting event and will continue throughout the years to come as people and situations change. As uncomfortable as these conversations feel, they are an opportunity to grow good relationships into better ones or to heal past hurts and move on. Ideally, aging and dying well can be rewarding and leaves a sense of peace and completion among family members.

Roma S. Palmer, M.A., R.C.C. is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and member of the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. She has a family counselling private practice in Vancouver and works with families in transitions. With a parent who had a stroke in 2007 and children ages ages 3, 8, and 10 years, the issues of aging and raising a family are also very real and personal for her.

Contact information: Tel : 604-908-3665, email: romapalmer@gmail.com.